Tag Archives: Speech


The Arty Bride’s Speech

Ladies and Gentlemen. On behalf of my gorgeous new husband and I, I would like to
thank-you sincerely for sharing this perfect day with us. My Bridesmaids look stunning
today, and did a wonderful job, and Mark’s Ushers look…extremely…Ushery. I am
deferring my opinion of Best Man Simon, until I’ve heard his speech in a few moments.
Simon is lovely, but I would be lying if I said they I weren’t a little worried.

On a personal note, I’d like to thank my Mum and dad, who have loved and supported me
since the day that I was born. My mum has been a rock for me during the preparations for
today, held me still when I started to wobble, and respected my feelings throughout. Both
mum and dad instantly took to Mark, as if he were a Labrador puppy, and he has been
part of our family ever since. And now that he’s fully toilet-trained, he’s an absolute joy.

I never thought that Mark would ever marry me. I always thought he was holding out for
Natalie Portman … or Alex Ferguson. As many of you know, Mark and I met at a local
art class. I was trying to embrace my creativity, and hone it skilfully, and Mark was trying
to letch at the models. Inevitably however, the nude model became male, and Mark lost
interest and left. If only Natalie had been the model that day, then things could have been
very different. But then, we wouldn’t all be here today, so thank goodness for sexism.

Although it would appear to the untrained eye that Mark is a full-on bloke, there are one or
two things that I feel you should be aware of…

Mark will tell you that his favourite film is The Matrix. Not true. if we’re being completely
honest here, it’s Grease.

Mark will also say that his favourite drink is bitter, or Guinness. Again, untrue I’m afraid.
Let’s just say that our fridge at home is never without a chilled bottle of rosé. That’s right
Ladies and Gentlemen, ‘Ladywine’.

And when you visit our humble home for a barbecue, the music he’ll put on will be
Kasabian, AC/DC or Metallica. When no-one’s about, he likes my Take That albums.

I’m not trying to demean Mark. All these things that you may view as flaws, I see as
strengths – it makes him more rounded, reasonable and loveable. I wouldn’t want it any
other way. So, although Mark didn’t really want me to speak today (in case I embarrassed
him), I would like to thank him sincerely for making me blissfully happy, and for being my
best mate, and only husband.



Derek’s 40th Anniversary

Ladies and gentleman, it’s been forty years,
Since May and I met over a couple of beers,
We bought a home, settled down and got wed,
And then, hand in hand, walked the long road ahead.

So a few short lines for my beautiful wife,
Times to remember about our shared life:

I got my first job as a Carpet Fitter,
When it was still okay to like Gary Glitter.

When Slade were still screeching and Bowie was king -
Was the time that I bought a small golden ring.

Our first home was acquired,
When Harold Wilson retired.
And Callaghan took up his seat,
But before The Iron Lady,
We had our first baby,
Making our family complete.

And time doesn’t just lie,
So we soon said goodbye,
To the 70s – huge flares and all,
We swapped Steely Dan,
For Frankie and Duran,
Die Hard, and Total Recall.

I trained as a plumber,
In 85′s summer,
So that I could work for myself,
Everything was fine,
Until the worrying time,
That I had a slight scare with my health.

But all was okay and the decade passé,
So we moved into 1990,
In just nine years time,
Was Space 1999′
And you had your first shoulder x-ray.

A new century started,
And David departed,
To better his mind at Uni,
We both shed a tear,

As he went off to drink beer,
And our house seemed incredibly roomy.

And so here we are, in a familiar bar,
To celebrate our first forty years,
I love my May more,
Than ever before,
So I say to you all…cheers!