Category Archives: Brides


The Arty Bride’s Speech

Ladies and Gentlemen. On behalf of my gorgeous new husband and I, I would like to
thank-you sincerely for sharing this perfect day with us. My Bridesmaids look stunning
today, and did a wonderful job, and Mark’s Ushers look…extremely…Ushery. I am
deferring my opinion of Best Man Simon, until I’ve heard his speech in a few moments.
Simon is lovely, but I would be lying if I said they I weren’t a little worried.

On a personal note, I’d like to thank my Mum and dad, who have loved and supported me
since the day that I was born. My mum has been a rock for me during the preparations for
today, held me still when I started to wobble, and respected my feelings throughout. Both
mum and dad instantly took to Mark, as if he were a Labrador puppy, and he has been
part of our family ever since. And now that he’s fully toilet-trained, he’s an absolute joy.

I never thought that Mark would ever marry me. I always thought he was holding out for
Natalie Portman … or Alex Ferguson. As many of you know, Mark and I met at a local
art class. I was trying to embrace my creativity, and hone it skilfully, and Mark was trying
to letch at the models. Inevitably however, the nude model became male, and Mark lost
interest and left. If only Natalie had been the model that day, then things could have been
very different. But then, we wouldn’t all be here today, so thank goodness for sexism.

Although it would appear to the untrained eye that Mark is a full-on bloke, there are one or
two things that I feel you should be aware of…

Mark will tell you that his favourite film is The Matrix. Not true. if we’re being completely
honest here, it’s Grease.

Mark will also say that his favourite drink is bitter, or Guinness. Again, untrue I’m afraid.
Let’s just say that our fridge at home is never without a chilled bottle of rosé. That’s right
Ladies and Gentlemen, ‘Ladywine’.

And when you visit our humble home for a barbecue, the music he’ll put on will be
Kasabian, AC/DC or Metallica. When no-one’s about, he likes my Take That albums.

I’m not trying to demean Mark. All these things that you may view as flaws, I see as
strengths – it makes him more rounded, reasonable and loveable. I wouldn’t want it any
other way. So, although Mark didn’t really want me to speak today (in case I embarrassed
him), I would like to thank him sincerely for making me blissfully happy, and for being my
best mate, and only husband.