Wedding Fairs – Worth the effort?

My esteemed Co-Director of Floating Fish and I decided a while back to dip our fins into the world of wedding fairs in an attempt to boost sales of personalised wedding speeches.

The first thing that struck me, was the insistence of all fair organisers to describe the events as ‘Fayres’ in an ‘Oldy Worldy’ kind of way. Perhaps they felt that it added a little glamour to the way it sounded. Perhaps it was to make the events sound more long-standing or seriously traditional. For me however, it sounded annoying. Every email that I sent therefore, had the spelling as ‘Fair’. Every reply had the spelling ‘Fayre’. And so we had it – a locking of horns before I’d even signed on the dotted line.

But sign I did, and reserved my stall at a local football stadium. “How lovely to have a speech writing service instead of the usual cake and photographer stands!” enthused Sally – my eager and pleasant contact, “I look forward to seeing you then”.

The day of the fair (fayre) then. True to her word, we sat amongst photographers and cakes, with the odd disco man, formal hire and wedding ring sales (which was the stall next to us). Oh, and a popcorn stall (it seems that it’s the fashion nowadays  to deformalise small areas of even the most traditional wedding).

We were  definitely the new boys in town – all of the other traders new each other well, and took all the proceedings in their stride. One stall, selling all kinds of wedding tatt, took the majority of the show time setting up their stall without really getting much customer interest. Then they took another hour taking it down again. It suddenly occurred to me that the beautiful and intricate cakes were not for tasting, just for looking at. Why would you do that? They may look stunning yet taste like the bottom of a gerbil’s cage. I personally, wouldn’t risk it. Maybe I’m cynical.

The ring stall intrigued me. It was by far then most popular stall of the day. It worked like this: the company had no premises so could pass on their savings to the customer. The two (lovely) ladies would show off their wares, make appointments and visit the future brides (and their future spouses whether they wanted it or not) in their own homes. They must have made fifteen appointments. “What sort of percentage of sales are we talking about from these appointments?” I asked.

“About 95% of people we visit will buy.” She replied.

95%. Gosh. A conservative estimate of £700 each visit then. It turned out that the ladies did wedding fairs every weekend (and weddings aren’t even that seasonal any more).

“How long have you been doling this then?” I asked, genuinely interested.

“About three years. We have day jobs too,”

This confused me. Surely a service this popular could provide a comfortable salary without having to work in an office from nine to five? Then I realised. The two ladies were reps, on commission only, seeing only a tiny fraction for their hard work. Now it made sense. The owners were definitely winning.

And then to us – Floating Fish, we got a fair bit of interest. Having free cakes as an incentive was probably a mistake as people thought that was our trade (at least you could eat ours), but the biggest surprise was this: Floating Fish avoided doing wedding fairs previously, as we felt that it would mainly be men who would use our service (Grooms and Best Men) and that brides wouldn’t be interested. In reality, the Brides made their future husbands take one of our cards. Usually qualifying the decision with: “You are taking one of these. There is no way you are writing your own speech!”

So, Girl Power is alive and well and living at a wedding fair near you. Worth the trouble? Only time will tell, but it was a definite experience!


Excellent Speech Writers.



Can anything save my relationship?

Ever found yourself in the position where you have properly messed up in your relationship and fear that it might all be over? Have you tried all the usual stuff to get things as they were? Numerous apologies? Flowers? Talking to their friends? Being more attentive than usual?

If none of this has worked, then you’ve very probably messed up good and proper. All, however, is not lost.

Your partner will have been expecting all those old strategies. You’ve probably used them many times already, and promises that “This time I mean it, things will change” aren’t working. What this problem needs is a fresh approach…

Most of us are rubbish at explaining our feelings face to face, even if we’ve rehearsed what we want to say. Using our ‘You tell us’ button on the Floating Fish website, let us know what you want to say to your loved one and the tone (grovelling, respectful, sincere, funny etc), and leave the rest to us.

We will write a masterpiece, which you can put in a card, letter or even read it yourself. It will still be ‘from the heart’ but will be skilfully constructed and is almost guaranteed to make your partner have a rethink.

So, next time you mess up, forget the usual tactics, let Floating Fish save your relationship.

Isn’t that worth a few quid?

Personal Writing Service


Easter Already?

It seems as though you are still digesting your last Christmas sprout, and already the chocolate eggs are here. How did that happen?

The question is… Are you going to do the usual, and scour the shops for a last minute egg to give to a loved one? Again? Really?

There is an alternative.  Why not take a look at Floating Fish – a personalised writing service. We could write you a poem dedicated to the important person in your life, to your exact requirement. You could handwrite it in a card and pretend that it was all your own work. Imagine the ‘goody marks’ you’d earn! And, fifty years down the line, when you are reflecting on the wondrous years spent together, it won’t be chocolate eggs you think of – just a rather smashing writing service:

“Just think Darling, if you hadn’t written me that beautiful poem all those years ago, we would never have experienced such happiness.”

“I know my precious, I know. Chocolate egg?”



Christmas Present

The Perfect Christmas Present?

Well, it’s that time of the year again. What on earth are you going to get people for Christmas? What can you get your mum who never tells you what she wants, and already has what she wants anyway? Perfume? Earrings? Pampering stuff? Or, just maybe, a personal poem which tells her how much she means to you? You could frame it, and every time she walks past it, she’ll stop and smile.

What about Dad? The same old same old? Or a poem about him growing up in the sixties? His Beatle Suit, his Morris Minor? Anything that will fondly remind him of his youth.

What about a girlfriend or close mate? Tell them how you really feel, and give them a gift that they can keep forever.

Don’t give a predictable gift this year – check out our website and give the gift of words.


Excellence is our normal.


Fancy a Panto? (Oh yes you do!)

Ladies and Gentlemen…

A brand new product is now available from Floating Fish. Deliciously dark and unique, our special pantomimes are hilarious and (more importantly) have been tried and tested. Here’s a taster…

Snow White and The Seven Dwarves


Narrator:    There is an old and ancient tale –

A story which can never fail,

To bring joy and sorrow, tears and laughter,

And the greatest ‘happily ever after’.

This isn’t that tale, but you may spot,

Some similarities that this one’s got,

To the other, more established story,

(But this one isn’t quite as boring)

Good verses Evil – but who will win?

If you’re sitting comfortably, then I’ll begin…


There lived, Once upon a time,

A princess who’d just reached her prime,

With pure white skin and ebony hair,

And some would say a royal air…



SW:                  Oh I am so nice and kind and pretty,

And clean and tidy, fun and witty,

All in all, I’m quite a catch,

But I haven’t found my royal match,

There is an evil queen you see…

(who isn’t quite as nice as me).


Narrator:     That much was true, for poor Snow White,

There was a problem in her plight

The dark and callous evil queen,

Looked just like her (but twice as mean)


She had a lovely looking glass,

(A mirror to you and me),

Each day she’d look in it and ask,


Queen:          Who’s the most beautiful you see?


Narrator:         Normally the mirror would reply,


Mirror:              Well my queen, I can’t deny,

You are the fairest of them all,

You’d be the Belle of any ball.


Narrator:         But one such day a change occurred,

Mirror:             There is a more attractive bird

Narrator:         (Although the truth it would reflect,

It wasn’t politically correct).


Queen:               Another? Another?

Narrator:         The queen did squawk,

Queen:              Who is this other of which you talk?

Mirror:              I didn’t wish to cause a fright,

But you’ve been pipped by Snowy White!



Queen:          That skinny runt! That Pale-skinned Freak!

I’m nicer than her in any week!

I’m not being an ‘also ran’!

It’s time to hatch an evil plan.


(Queen exits stage laughing demonically)


What do you think? If you fancy buying a pre-written panto, get in touch click here. Presently, we have Snow White, Cinderella,  Aladin, The Wizard of Oz, Jack and the Beanstalk and Beauty and The Beast. If you would prefer something bespoke, we can do that as well.

Speech Writing

Writing Speeches? How hard can it be?

Why should you go to the trouble and expense of paying someone to write a speech or poem for you? Surely you should do it yourself – ‘from the heart’ if you like. It would be far more personal, and the audience would be all the more appreciative? Right? You could just write down how you feel, and, if you get a bit stuck, you could use Google  to find something similar and regurgitate. Sorted.

Life’s not as simple as that is it? Let’s put it this way …

Anyone could press the shutter on a camera, but could you get the same results as a professional? Most of us could set a table, but could we dress a table at a function room for a special occasion As well as someone who does it daily?

The truth is, speech-writing is a complicated and professional skill. The words need to flow, the length and tone need to be just right, the humour has to be judged carefully according to the audience, and, no matter how flippant the content, it has to come across as warm and sincere. You could have a go yourself, just like you could take a few snaps with your phone. You could take a speech or poem off the Internet, but instead of a personal tribute,  you’ll end up with a crass, generic article. Not sure? Try typing ‘Best Man’s Speech’ into a search engine. Look at a handful of examples, then count how many times the same joke comes up.

Floating Fish understand personal writing. We have written hundreds of speeches and poems – every one unique and special. We take what you want to say, and arrange it beautifully to your exact need. It’s what we do, day in, day out.

Take a look at some of our examples (keep coming back – they change daily) and see for yourself. Obviously, you won’t get all of the references, that’s the point – they’ve been written for one person, for one special event. And if you choose to use Floating Fish, don’t worry – we won’t publish your writing (unless you want us to!).


The Arty Bride’s Speech

Ladies and Gentlemen. On behalf of my gorgeous new husband and I, I would like to
thank-you sincerely for sharing this perfect day with us. My Bridesmaids look stunning
today, and did a wonderful job, and Mark’s Ushers look…extremely…Ushery. I am
deferring my opinion of Best Man Simon, until I’ve heard his speech in a few moments.
Simon is lovely, but I would be lying if I said they I weren’t a little worried.

On a personal note, I’d like to thank my Mum and dad, who have loved and supported me
since the day that I was born. My mum has been a rock for me during the preparations for
today, held me still when I started to wobble, and respected my feelings throughout. Both
mum and dad instantly took to Mark, as if he were a Labrador puppy, and he has been
part of our family ever since. And now that he’s fully toilet-trained, he’s an absolute joy.

I never thought that Mark would ever marry me. I always thought he was holding out for
Natalie Portman … or Alex Ferguson. As many of you know, Mark and I met at a local
art class. I was trying to embrace my creativity, and hone it skilfully, and Mark was trying
to letch at the models. Inevitably however, the nude model became male, and Mark lost
interest and left. If only Natalie had been the model that day, then things could have been
very different. But then, we wouldn’t all be here today, so thank goodness for sexism.

Although it would appear to the untrained eye that Mark is a full-on bloke, there are one or
two things that I feel you should be aware of…

Mark will tell you that his favourite film is The Matrix. Not true. if we’re being completely
honest here, it’s Grease.

Mark will also say that his favourite drink is bitter, or Guinness. Again, untrue I’m afraid.
Let’s just say that our fridge at home is never without a chilled bottle of rosé. That’s right
Ladies and Gentlemen, ‘Ladywine’.

And when you visit our humble home for a barbecue, the music he’ll put on will be
Kasabian, AC/DC or Metallica. When no-one’s about, he likes my Take That albums.

I’m not trying to demean Mark. All these things that you may view as flaws, I see as
strengths – it makes him more rounded, reasonable and loveable. I wouldn’t want it any
other way. So, although Mark didn’t really want me to speak today (in case I embarrassed
him), I would like to thank him sincerely for making me blissfully happy, and for being my
best mate, and only husband.



Derek’s 40th Anniversary

Ladies and gentleman, it’s been forty years,
Since May and I met over a couple of beers,
We bought a home, settled down and got wed,
And then, hand in hand, walked the long road ahead.

So a few short lines for my beautiful wife,
Times to remember about our shared life:

I got my first job as a Carpet Fitter,
When it was still okay to like Gary Glitter.

When Slade were still screeching and Bowie was king -
Was the time that I bought a small golden ring.

Our first home was acquired,
When Harold Wilson retired.
And Callaghan took up his seat,
But before The Iron Lady,
We had our first baby,
Making our family complete.

And time doesn’t just lie,
So we soon said goodbye,
To the 70s – huge flares and all,
We swapped Steely Dan,
For Frankie and Duran,
Die Hard, and Total Recall.

I trained as a plumber,
In 85′s summer,
So that I could work for myself,
Everything was fine,
Until the worrying time,
That I had a slight scare with my health.

But all was okay and the decade passé,
So we moved into 1990,
In just nine years time,
Was Space 1999′
And you had your first shoulder x-ray.

A new century started,
And David departed,
To better his mind at Uni,
We both shed a tear,

As he went off to drink beer,
And our house seemed incredibly roomy.

And so here we are, in a familiar bar,
To celebrate our first forty years,
I love my May more,
Than ever before,
So I say to you all…cheers!